Top 5 politicans who vape

Perhaps no hobbyist is as persecuted today as the vaper. The vaper is assaulted on all sides of the political spectrum by finger-wagging authoritarians who want to decide what is allowed in our bodies. Remember when the calls to ban cigarette smoking was due to second hand smoke? It wasn’t fair, it was argued, that we, the non-smokers, can get sick from your “nasty” habit (as if stuffing Cheetos down your gullet while you rewatch Friends isn’t just as unsightly. And please do not get me started on the putrid scent of marijuana, which somehow escapes accusations of smelling like a flowery fart despite it being an apt comparison).

Ah, and we capitulated and adapted to get our fix of nicotine by means of the beautiful vape. “But oh no, this won’t do,” thought the morality-police. “We’ve been outsmarted, outplayed. We must defer back to the tried and true method for getting things done in politics:

“Think of the children!” was the rallying cry. Perhaps you should consider watching your kids a bit better rather than sticking an iPad in front of them? I myself have my kids monitored 24/7 by a large surveillance system including cameras, microphones, internet tracking, private investigators, paying off their friends for information, installing fake friends to act as my spies, personally following them around, and more. Alas, we have bulwarks against these techno-fascists, and it is these brave politicians who not only take up the cause of vaping, but engage in the vape to get a better sense of what their constituents enjoy.

1. Duncan Hunter

Hunter boldly decided to hit his “vaporizer” during a hearing to debate the merits of vaping on a flight in 2016. In defiance of all the fat cats and bureaucrats he deliberately inhaled a sick cloud. Unfortunately, he did not show off any vape tricks like Os or the tornado which might have endeared his boomer audience to the practice. Ultimately, his efforts were in vein. Nevertheless, Hunter remains the gold standard of vape protection in the United States

2. Lauren Boebert

Boebert (in the middle of the frame) subtly placing her full clenched fist close to her mouth in order to hit her vape in public. This is a common vape tactic known to roughly 80% of all high schoolers, according to a 2023 Scuzz poll

The bombastic Boebert fell into some controversy a few months ago. Allegedly, the congresswomen was seen on tape puffing on a vape pen during a showing of the Beetlejuice musical.

Me?

Apparently, hitting a vape during a live performance is a frowned upon action, or gauche as the French say, and she was soon asked to leave the performance. That might be for the best, because I’ve heard the Beetlejuice musical is quite “mid” as the kids say. In response to an alleged video of the alleged incident where Boebert alleged hit a vape next to a women who was allegedly pregnant, Boebert stated, "I genuinely did not recall vaping that evening when I discussed the night’s events with my campaign team while confirming my enthusiasm for the musical…” Its okay Lauren, I’ve blacked out in public too.

3. Nick Clegg

Across the pond, we have Nick Clegg, who is someone I’ve never heard of but might be a big deal in England (named because it is the land of the English). Clegg, a British Deputy Prime Minister (a position whose duties are unknown to me, and 86% of English people), said in 2015 he switched to e-cigarettes to kick his nasty tobaccy habit. Presumably, he will use the vape as a transitional method to quit nicotine altogether. Don’t worry Clegg, from my own experience I believe in you. I’ve quit nicotine loads of time, so many times I’ve lost count.

4. Nigel Farage

From the man who brought you Brexit, it turns out that Farage enjoys a little milky every once and awhile. During his lobbying of divorcing Britain from the rest of the European Union, Farage led another, arguably more important defense of vape inhalation. Unfortunately for Farage, he’s recent visit to New South Wales, Australia will curb his vaping habit. Luckily he will be able to enjoy nicotine through a good ol’ fashion ciggy instead. What a lad.

5. Me

That’s right, this anonymous opinion piece was written by me, your favorite politician. Just imagine your most admired civil servant, hunched over as their laptop blowing vape clouds out of their nostrils. Doing the grand Dragon trick! That’s me, right now. Just so you know, I will never, ever give up the vape fight for the vape nation. Be sure to vote for me to make sure the clouds stay thick and the coils keep burning. See ya!

Honorable Mention:

Hunter Biden

Although there is absolutely no evidence of Hunter Biden hitting a vape per se, I believe in my heart of heart that this man has probably hit a pod before, or a dab rig, or some sort of vaporizing device. Is such a hypothesis so outlandish? Again, no evidence...but c'mon.