Interstate Road Work Funding Increases $1.5 Trillion Despite No Evidence Of Progress
- Andy Gills
- Nov 22, 2023
- 5 min read
The collective sweat of both republicans and democrats of our senate paint the floor below them as what could only be described as a plea-deal was passed last Tuesday. With a shockingly bizarre one in a million chance 100-0 vote, senate passed a government budget that, upon closer inspection, is causing an international up-roar.
Further investigation from Scuzz Insiders revealed that the entire senate agreed upon a new budget that focuses almost entirely on government road projects. $1,499,532,900 was printed rather bluntly on what appeared to be a rushed excel sheet with the title "Budget" under a subheading titled "Road Work". The remaining $467,100 was dedicated towards Israeli military-aid, which has caused spur between both republican and democrat voters alike.
"What we are seeing on the streets, metaphorically, is a sort of bi-partisan agreement between the two voter bases. No one is a fan of this new budget plan at face value - Ironically, both sides want to fund our military and as a result, Israel's military, more! Furthermore, we are starting to see a serious problem on the streets, literally, with several major high-ways being backed up due to increased construction and newly greenlit projects."
"What we ouwah' trying to do here, with all do respect, mista' reporter, is reinstate and make a lasting change to the country that will, contrary to ouwah' outrageous defense budget, will positively affect the people of this nay'tion, aynd not the corporate elites behind the M1 Reaper Drone convayer belts!" Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont barked at a scuzz Reporter, sending a vicious flurry of spit flying towards his face. But when questioned about the ginormungous hike in budget that will push our deficit up by nearly $1.5 Trillion, Mr.Sanders covered his face with a manila folder and walked away from the spotlight.
When questioned about how such a confusing budget slipped through senate without any friction, Senator McConnell stared at our reporter for a few minutes. His aide spoke for him saying "Sometimes, silence says a bazillion words." and proceeded to shove McConnell into a government funded (tax-payer funded) limo.
Studies conducted over the past seven years have indicated that much of the government funded road work across the United States has made little to no progress at all, in some isolated cases even having an inverse effect.
"I don't make the plans or nuttin', I just stand here and hold da sign. Sometimes we gotta put the cones down and by the time they're all down, the suns' bout to rise and we gotta pick em all back up! Just the other day we finished an extension to the lanes for about five miles, and then we were told we had to tear it down and rebuild it." - A construction worker
"We want to make a sort of...like a...huge mega highway...I...I mean we want to have like 50 lanes like China, but better than China. We want it to run right through Florida up to Maine, and then maybe one across the entire united states. This is possible with this budget, I really think it is, and it'll make America a much more efficient place. But it obviously can't be done over night. I'm afraid that this wont be the last time we need an increase like this. Imagine if we put big jumbo trons every few miles - you could watch the game on your roadtrip."
"it's all complicated work, someone has to hold the sign at one end and then we need someone to hold a sign at the other end. We need a bunch of tractors and trucks and heavy machinery to move the big concrete. I wish it were more simple, but the fact is, it's not, but I know we are capable of making this dream become a reality."
Paul Hawkins has the idea of using jumbo-trons or even drone technology to project TV-Shows and advertisements on a theoretical mega-50+ lane highway. He believes it will allow both drivers and companies to change the landscape of the transportation system. He also insists leasing out land to fast-food chains so that there are strip malls and restaurants almost ever mile on the road, so the driver can stop at any moment.
Nearly $250 billion of the budget was offered to Disney in an attempt to garner new and innovative ways to make our high-way system more exciting and engaging for drivers. Executives and creative minds alike down by the house of the mouse have been spit-balling fresh ideas for what the future of the road could hold. Some camps want to start a project that would make a cool new interstate highway that twists and turns about, with big musical speakers and art on the sides of the walls. Much of the plan involves building through environmentally protected lands such as the everglades and national forests, however, many state governors are deciding to step back and relax the rules.
New York and the politicans there are eager to start a project to build another street system above the current streets - an elevated street of sorts with on ramps every mile. This has caused them to shut down most blocks, causing outrage. When the project is complete, it's expected to decrease traffic jams by 7%.
On the west coast, business moguls in Las Vegas are yearning to begin constructing the worlds largest roundabout, requesting nearly $600 billion of the new budget. The perspective traffic mechanism would be able to hold nearly 250 lanes and would be placed in a massive plot of desert outside of the city of sin.
Despite the hopeful glimmer in the eyes of the bureaucratic elites and construction moguls alike, Scuzz Insiders and Polling shows that drivers aren't happy with the sudden changes.
Nearly 87% of all major roadways are hindered by newly started construction projects, causing nation wide traffic jams.
"THEY JUST STAND THERE. I SWEAR TO GOD THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING. WE WERE STUCK AT AN INTERSECTION FOR 15 MINUTES, AND ALL THEY DID WAS LOOK AT A HOLE IN THE GROUND. THEY BROUGH A TRUCK AND IT LEFT AFTER 5 MINUTES. THEY'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING" - A very upset driver
9 out of 10 drivers are fed up with road construction, citing violent fantasies pertaining to ramming their cars into workers. Officials say this a problematic, though temporary issue that will resolve once the populace "gets used to it."
Though no one seems to be on board with these new plans, we can only hope that it makes our commute a bit better, at the end of the day.
Do you agree with this new budget?
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