Scientists Prove Short People Are Smarter...And That's Not All

No one seemed to question why it wasn't Garfunkel and Simon, and we all know why...

Scientist have made a recent discovery that has the vertically inclined shaking in their over-sized shoes! Studies conducted at Harvard, Yale, Cal-tech, MIT, Stanford, Oxford, and The University of Florida have concluded shocking evidence pointing towards a distinct dominance of intellect found in those who can't reach the top of the shelf.

Through a heavy series of IQ tests with participants of varying heights, all groups participating yielded a shocking set of statistics.

As seen in the graph below, IQ drastically reduces by the inch (A standard deviation of nearly 34.4%!). While there are some anomalies, it's quite evident that a majority of people below the height of 5'5 are literal geniuses. Those taller than 5'9 wound be classified as mentally disabled...yikes. But that's not all!

The scientist also decided to take a slight detour during the period of study. One doctor working with Harvard noticed that many of the tall beautiful women all were clearly more attracted to the shorter men, and repulsed by the taller men. This Dr.Yurthinz decide to open a tangent inquiry into whether or not shorter men are also more handsomer.

c. Harvard University, 2023

The results were shocking. Those above the height of 5'9 were deemed extraordinarily handsome, with those 5'4 and below scoring a ten or higher on the hot or not scale. Sadly for our tall readers, any taller than 5'9 and you're likely just a bit too ugly! The study revealed that the women who viewed men taller than 6'1 didn't even want to rate them. Ew! The same exact results were concluded from men rating the hotness of the women.

You might be asking yourself, "If I'm short and scientifically hotter than tall guys, why don't the girls ask me out like they do the tall guys?" - Dr.Yurthinz explains it well:

"The women see that the short little guy is so hot and beautiful, that she is too afraid and runs to the tall man, for he is stupid and ugly and dumb, easy to reproduce with and this is why the beautiful women go to the tall guys."

On his way out of the laboratory where the studies were conducted, he stumbled across a tall 6'1 man, with a very itty bitty weenie. Shocked by the sight, he decided to call back in all the male subjects and request that they take off their pants in front of him so that he could examine their penises.

His studies soon revealed that tall people had extraordinary tiny penises! A bizarre circumstance revealed that those around 5'9 have a slightly bigger penis than those who are 5'8 and 5'10. 6 feet or taller, and the penis could not be seen without the aid of scientific technology. To further test his discoveries, he (with permission and consent) began to stroke each of the test subjects. No conclusive evidence was garnered from this action.

Luckily, there's hope for everyone out there. Even though scientists are pretty sure about this data, there's a possibility that there's more than meets the eyes. While it's unsure if the scientist conducting the study were short or tall, holding or not holding bias, one thing is certain: We are all beautiful in the eye of the lord.

*This article was written by Gerald McRoonie, who is 5'1.