FDA approves the Stupid-Pill

Finally. One of humanity’s most sought after goals is about to be made to the public. The FDA has just approved a “Stupid-Pill” for preliminary consumption. The Stupid-Pill, codeveloped by Pfizer and Johnson & Johnson, will, literally, make you stupider. This has big implications.

For millennium, people have been searching for ways to make themselves stupider. Alcohol was invented for this purpose. It does a pretty decent job at making one stupider for a little bit, but it has some unfortunate trade offs, like a hang over or making you a better driver (good driving is usually a smart person thing due to their tendency to avoid dying).

The results of the pill are staggering. A week of taking 2 pills a day will drop an average person a whole standard deviation away from their starting IQ. After a month, users will literally unlearn how to read. Then we really kick it into third gear. For every participant, regardless of beginning intelligence, a persistent use of the pill for 6 months resulted in an IQ of exactly 17, below that of a toddler or a chimpanzee. Unfortunately, however, higher doses are eventually required to ward off the effects of intelligence.

Scuzz on the ground correspondence conducted some interviews to find out why the stupid-pill appears so popular. Here are some thoughts on the ground:

“I think, like, that um, like, I think, so like, I think, that thinking, sometimes, for me, like, thinking is sometimes too hard, so like I’d like to do um like I think I’d like to like do less thinking and the like,” said Brandi, an eager applicant for the stupid-pill. Our conversation suggests the pill might not have a tremendous effect.

“I’m finding it really hard to enjoy the things I used to like. So instead of using drugs or alcohol or therapy to feel better, I’m content with not thinking about myself so much,” says Eric, a software engineer. He might find himself out of a job after taking the pill.

Scuzz even got a chance to talk to some people who managed to take the stupid-pill.

“I’m really liking the new direction the Marvel Cinematic Universe has taken.”

“I can’t wait until I can afford a home in the near future.”

“GDP is the highest it’s ever been, so life has never been so great!”

“The Biden Crime Mafia Family are the most corrupt people, just the worst people. Folks, I’ve met some corrupt people, believe me, but these people are just the worst.”

Suffice it is to say this pill is legit.

However, the stupid-pill presents itself with the ultimate conundrum. According to Scuzz Insiders, the scientists who invented the stupid-pill have all taken it and are now addicted to it. Likewise, the factory workers who run the pharmacy factory have all taken it too and have been ensnared by the allure of ignorance. They are all now too stupid to keep creating the stupid-pill. Likewise, the directions on how to make the pill have seemingly been misplaced. Whoops! Looks like there will be a very limited supply. And who knows how long it will be until people are smart enough again to invent the stupid pill.

Would you take the stupid-pill? I know I would! Let me know in the comments below!